Shitness.

I'm trying to not be negative in life so instead of saying "i have had a pathetic day today", let me just say "i had an ambiguously interesting day today."

Anyhoo, I met three ladies from office over coffee. It was as i had expected it to be; and my later reactions were also pretty damn predictable. However, i don't want to think/write/talk about that - partly because i'm gonna be doing just that for a long long time after some time but mostly because i've had enough of recounting it--first for my dear dear friend and then for my dearest boyfriend. I need a break so have decided to talk about other things. Random things that are bothering me more than this prospective job that's leaving no stone unturned to become the sole center of my life.

Something annoying to the point of sickening happened in class today. It was, of course, my own undoing as is everything else that affects me this profoundly. This teacher was talking about Indian culture, and what defines, forms it. Now, this is one class i usually focus all my energies on not hearing a word the teacher says, because when i do listen to her, it makes me angry.

Our mutual dislike is not hidden from anyone, though i've not done anything concrete to make it obvious and bring it out in the open, yet. That is, of course, if you don't count my not adding her on facebook, sleeping through her class, never carrying a textbook or taking notes(i'm practically a steno in some classes, so unusual behaviour for the nerd that's me), having a standard insouciant expression on my face and hiding behind someone, anyone to avoid seeing her face, which by the way, bugs me no end.

Anyway, I make sure i don't participate in her classes but it's only human to err, right? I did open my gob today and said i think it's unfair to exclude the upper middle class and high-brow, elite culture when one talks of "Indian culture". It's at best, buying into into the Oriental philosophy to posit the country on rickshaws and the people below poverty line as the "real India".

If i am rich, have a BMW, go to IHC, drink, smoke, work and be promiscuous, I do not cease to be Indian or become any "less Indian" than a tribal woman whom she called "closer to indian soil, quite literally." I get where that's coming from...because the tribe's experience is unadulterated and "untarnished" by global exposure, she's arguably "more" Indian; a representative of the true, Incredible India.

Even as this makes some sense, there is one slightly different position, which i know will find few takers (or none, except yours truly!) within the red walls of this college. I think culture, in general, and Indian culture, specifically, is about integration and assimilation of other cultures. Just because it's a new trend or a minority, there's no reason why it should be discredited  orcriticised for being "foreign" to Indian soil and culture. Call me unconventional, but i think being rich and flaunting it is a manifestation of one's attitude to life and money... Owning an audi, loving ballet and preferring Jeffery Dean Morgan to SRK won't make me any less Indian or my practices any alien to the culture. Last i checked, we were about accepting and learning and i'm sorry but i refuse to be a hardheaded prick.

P.S. Talked to Wasim Akram yesterday and wrote his piece for him, that has found its way to the first sports page of TOI. In an unrelated story, HT screwed my column real bad. The grammar has gone for a six and the editing makes it look like a paragraph made out of five bullet points, minus the bullets. It's essentially a barrage of just, well, points. Most irritating. Besides, i didn't get my copy, again! I'm almost glad i'm bidding farewell to Journalism in no time. I just lied. O:)

Rocks and Pebbles,
Hobbes!

Existential me?

Lately I’ve become disillusioned with life. Not my life but life in general, the concept of being born, living, striving and dying. I don’t see a point anymore. No reason sounds like a good enough reason to live.

I try to remember what made me want to set a goal and work to achieve, to excel, to live. I remember having that fire in my belly until a few months back. I remember how it felt to be motivated, to want something from life and to know it was enough to want it and nothing else. I remember feeling hopeful and positive.

I don’t anymore and though it perturbs me sometimes, I don’t care much. I don’t see the point behind becoming a doctor or a CEO to make my parents proud. I see how their pride has more to do with the way society will see me, the CEO: read, a virtuous girl raised perfectly by perfect parents. I don’t see a point in becoming a Journalist and changing the world or being creatively satisfied. It’s the same, one way or the other.

Maybe a lot of people started feeling like this and made religion their opium or came up with “society”. Institutions like religion and society made them believe that life is indeed meaningful and that doing something is more lucrative than doing something else. However, i refuse to use any of these institutions as my crutch. If anything, I’ll probably self destruct and do the exact opposite of what is expected by religion and society.

I’m not sure how and when I became so cynical, I have my own fancy ideas about the same though. My graduation has definitely been a mind-fucking/eye-opening experience but there have been simultaneous events.

Maybe if everything in everyone’s life wasn’t ruled by religion and society, I would be a happier person. Maybe if I could get what I really want, I won’t be so anti establishment. Maybe if there was even a hope of getting what I really want I’d probably be happy. If someone else also wanted what I want and said it, at least to me, perhaps I’d be happy. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it’d help to figure out what I really want after all, because clearly, most of the time, love just ain’t enough.