I try to remember what made me want to set a goal and work to achieve, to excel, to live. I remember having that fire in my belly until a few months back. I remember how it felt to be motivated, to want something from life and to know it was enough to want it and nothing else. I remember feeling hopeful and positive.
I don’t anymore and though it perturbs me sometimes, I don’t care much. I don’t see the point behind becoming a doctor or a CEO to make my parents proud. I see how their pride has more to do with the way society will see me, the CEO: read, a virtuous girl raised perfectly by perfect parents. I don’t see a point in becoming a Journalist and changing the world or being creatively satisfied. It’s the same, one way or the other.
Maybe a lot of people started feeling like this and made religion their opium or came up with “society”. Institutions like religion and society made them believe that life is indeed meaningful and that doing something is more lucrative than doing something else. However, i refuse to use any of these institutions as my crutch. If anything, I’ll probably self destruct and do the exact opposite of what is expected by religion and society.
I’m not sure how and when I became so cynical, I have my own fancy ideas about the same though. My graduation has definitely been a mind-fucking/eye-opening experience but there have been simultaneous events.
Maybe if everything in everyone’s life wasn’t ruled by religion and society, I would be a happier person. Maybe if I could get what I really want, I won’t be so anti establishment. Maybe if there was even a hope of getting what I really want I’d probably be happy. If someone else also wanted what I want and said it, at least to me, perhaps I’d be happy. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it’d help to figure out what I really want after all, because clearly, most of the time, love just ain’t enough.
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