It's that time of the year again

I killed the love of my life.

T.
That's what i used to call him.
He was invariably the first person on my mind when i woke up, and the last before i went to bed.
He changed my life in ways i can't begin to recount, and he made me what i am.

He was the one person i could do anything for, live and die for.
He gave me hope, made me feel secure. The one person who i thought truly cared, and always would.

We had our issues, we used to fight. Everyone does. Perhaps we did that a little more than was healthy.
But then we had our good times too. We stay in different cities, but i would go to him or he would come over and for a few days, he would define my existence, be my world.
When we were together, i would have eyes only for him. The smallest of things would bring a smile to my face.

Just looking at him and knowing how much we loved each other seemed to be enough. He was the reason i lived, warding off the plague of existentialism.

His love was enough. That was all i really wanted.
His love, the knowledge that he was mine. Only mine.
And then he took it all away.

I got a call from him the night before, apparently a mistake, and i heard him make out and then have sex with this girl. Heard every word that was once said to me being repeated for a different girl.
He said he did it because of things i had done a year and half ago.
He told me that now i'd know what he has been feeling for so long.

He said he was sorry that i heard all that and told me that it'll hurt a lot when it does finally sink in.
He said he knows what it'd feel like from first hand experience and said he'd be there, standing by my side, through this.
He said that while he went through the same, i was too self absorbed to look beyond myself, to his pain and anguish but now i would know. Because now i'd go through the same. He ensured it'd happen.

He was right.
I have been heartless, even as i love him to death.
I have never been able to understand him, even as he was the core of my life.

I was wrong, but that, somehow, doesn't right his wrong. I can't bring myself to look at him, to believe that the man i heard making love to that girl is really the man who has held me through thick and thin for so long.
I refuse to believe he's the same man. He can't be. After all, that man loved me too much to see me in pain, least of all be the one causing the pain.

I asked him what happened to my T.
He said T is dead. For good.

But only i know i killed him.

Sand on the Shore

I put pen to paper,

words flee from me

With you not around,

Nothing is how it used to be.

The days are longer,

gloomy and dull.

Sobs and silent prayers,

break the midnight lull.

I stand alone, wondering

If we could be one still

If I could see you sleep

And be around when you’re up

I lay awake, yearning

Wishing for your face by my pillow

I spend the night praying

Hoping for a happier tomorrow

Yet I know it is not to be

How will we one be?

For you are an ocean, I am sand on the shore

We meet but aren’t meant to be.

Back

I want to go back,
back to a happier past.

A past where smiles outnumbered tears,
and each day had something to look forward to.

A past where future was a mystery still,
But none that was with tears filled.

I want to go back,
back to a happier past,

Only, i cant remember one.

Isolation.

I've always wondered what it is that we all really want in life.

I know it's different for different people but i imagine there have to be a few "needs" common to more or less the whole of humanity. There is, of course, the usual- food, shelter and sex. Perhaps being born and raised as social beings makes us emotionally cripple as well, hence making us the weak creatures that we are. That seems to explain our obsession with love, marriage, family and friendship-- that is, the relationships that we are born into and the bonds that we forge over time.

I struck out romantic love as a reliable source of emotional succour pretty early in my life. It's all very awesome while it lasts but ultimately it is ephemeral. Here today, gone tomorrow, it doesn't exactly make for a stellar example of consistency. With marriage too, one can't predict when the bird of love will go out the window, to greener pastures.

Even as i maintain that there's nothing sinful or wrong about love evaporating over time (people change, we change and we can't expect the feelings to stay the same), the fact remains that it hurts like shit. Change may be good, but it's rarely easy or painless-almost never so in relationships, especially my relationships.

To make matters worse, lately, family and friends have taken to disappointing me too. I am still undecided if it's me or them, all of them. It could just as well be me; maybe I am the one with unrealistic hopes and expectations from people. Or maybe i've just got every thing wrong. 

Gerry Butler and This Man I Know

I just finished seeing The Bounter Hunter, just before which i saw The Ugly Truth for the Nth time. Before that, of course, i did that lame, SO unlike me post about dreams and shit to keep my mind off the stupid stupid antics of This Man I Know. Seriously, what the fuck was i going on and on about in the last two posts, and WHY? Who the fuck cares about dreams and shit like that anyway?

The poor guy is with someone who often talks like that for no reason at all, is it then a surprise that This Man I Know gets all worked up every now and then and goes into his shell or whatever. Hell no! Codswallop like that can drive anyone up the tree or down low on the cool-mood meter, if you please. 

But then he knew about this annoying habit of mine before he got himself where he did. It's what makes me, me. And though i've tried changing it, yeah, i've tried quite a bit, I refuse to try to change it now. I'll just vent it elsewhere, like i used to before i gave up blogging. I missed this. This whole blogging/venting thing. And though i don't have that many, or any followers here, i love it just as much. Now only if i could get the right colour combination and the template. That's ALWAYS the hardest part about turning a new leaf. Aside from actually tuning a new leaf which, of course, is The Hardest Part.

Anyhoo, back to the movies. Did i mention how much i LOVE Gerard Butler. This awesome friend of mine, Bee and I have this little thing we say about Gerard Butler. It goes "ehi munda chaida hai! ehi munda chaida da!".  I mean, seriously! Gerard Butler is so hot, it hurts. The way he talks, the way he smiles, oh my God the way he smiles; his walk, his eyes. His voice! He's like this perfect perfect eye candy and the kind of roles he has done in the two movies i saw today, it makes me want to have someone as special as that. Someone who doesn't screw up that much, of course.

Yes, we girls want everything in a guy and no guy can ever please us. And by us i totally mean me. O:)

I was so lost in him when i tried to think what was it that i liked so much about this man; and i couldn't help but draw similarities between him and This Man I Know. Maybe i exaggerated a bit in my head but seriously, there are some similarities in the eyes and the smile and the effect the latter has on the former.

Of course i didn't dwell on it much. I don't want to associate Butler with any guy i know in real life. Why? Because people always leave. And they leave tears, sadness, anger and bitterness behind. I know a certain someone who does that often in the name of work and i know he'll soon go to work for good. (I do spot the signs when i take off my rose tinted glasses and stop being the queen of denial.)

What i'm saying is, i don't want to associate real people with people i only dream about to be happy. Because if i do that, dreaming won't be fun when the real people leave, and leave they will.

-Trish

P.S. This dream analogy seems to have stuck. Should i change the blog's name etc to have something to do with dreams instead of tears and ice? We'll see about that. Night for now.